Sometimes our most profound thoughts come to us in the shower… Here’s a few of the best for this week.
- If alcohol was the one that was banned instead of weed then a lot of people would have had memories of hungry stoned father’s instead of angry drunk ones.
- If I received a blood donation from the Queen of England, would that put me in line for the throne?
- Tranquilizing animals and putting tracking devices on them for research is the same scenario that humans describe when they depict being abducted by aliens.
- There should be a millenial edition of Monopoly where you just walk round the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
- When medication says “do not operate heavy machinery” they’re probably mainly referring to cars, but my mind always goes to forklift.
- Movie theaters should have a headphone jack option, so people can plug in and hear the movie without hearing idiots talk behind them.
- April Fool’s Day is the one day of the year when people critically evaluate news articles before accepting them as true.
- Humans are really bad at recharging, it takes about 8 hours charge for 16 hours of use.
- You don’t realize how loud normal everyday activities are until you try doing them at 3am in a sleeping household.
- Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don’t know what either of those things are.
- UPS will leave a $900 video card on my porch without even knocking but I have to sign for a $10 pizza
- The reason “the real joke is always in the comments” is because it’s way easier to add comedy than to create it from nothing. This is why your hilarious friend can’t just go on stage and do stand up.
- I just realized that whenever I hear a “… walk into a bar” joke, Ive been picturing the same bar my whole life. I wonder if it exists somewhere or if its just a mesh of different bars I saw on tv as a kid.
- Over the past year I’ve taken so many “before” pictures of my body while telling myself im going to start working out, I basically just have a slideshow of me getting fatter.